Its Wednesday, November 11th and I am sitting here in lab at work. I should definitely be working and catching up on experiments. I have lab meeting on Monday and a lecture to prepare for the 24th. I just can't stop thinking about what happened at Worlds. Its only been 3 days since Finals. Just 3 days since I earned my gold medals. The funny thing about life is that things just keep going.
Monday, November 9th, was spent traveling home. We got back at midnight. Tuesday rolls around, and its 7am and I decide that its time for work. I woke up sore. My head was kinda pounding and my biceps were sore AF that I could barely extend them. I stopped by the grocery store to pick up food for the week. Went back home to drop the groceries off and jetted to work. At work, people are excited to see me healthy. I came home nearly unscathed.
Today, I am not sure if I have a concussion from all the fights. I picked up fish oil which I believe soothes any inflammation in my brain...fact or placebo...I think it heals me up. My brain is functional today. Yesterday not so much. No eye strain today which is good. I think I just needed some rest.
Later tonight, I am visiting the gym. I was supposed to visit last night but I was exhausted from the jet lag. The 6 hours back into time really gets me around 5pm. I am excited to hang up the 2 gold medals and the silver medal at the gym. I feel like thats where they belong. All the work was done there and so thats where they should be.
I feel like I have accomplished something and nothing at the same time. Yes, I am a nut. Accomplished, because I got the results I wanted and hoped for. Unaccomplished, because I feel like there is some strange part of me that still feels nothingness and insecure. I do feel relieved that I did it and I got the job done. My biggest fear was coming home a loser and disappointing my coach...my team....and letting myself down after all the training and pressure I put on myself. I wanted to prove it to myself that I could sign up for all the divisions and try to clean them all out. I needed the affirmation that I was good enough at fighting. I suppose I didn't think about how I would feel after I had won it. The only thing I could visualize was up until my hand being raised, but nothing after. When I got to the venue and saw the podiums, I just told myself that I was going to be on it and there was no other option besides that. I don't know if it was a lie I told myself. Sometimes I tell myself lies so that I am not negative and feeding fear and doubt. Nevertheless, I don't think I believed I could be a world champion title holder. Even when coach would announce in class that we are bringing home gold. I didn't think about really bringing them home.
I am in a state of anticlimax. Pretty much for the whole year I have been putting in 2 a days. I have been sparring, doing the classes, pad work and drilling, doing my strength and conditioning, trying to maintain my weight and be on diet. Everything I did was to make sure I performed well and was successful. I put so much pressure on myself leading up to Worlds. The excitement and high of winning right after the fights has dissappeared. All of that is gone now. Mentally, I feel like I hit a reset button. I feel like I need another goal to tackle. I don't know why I always need something to attain or work toward. But, I already feel it and its only been 3 days.
